At 20 years old, I understood that I was not promised a life of rainbows and butterflies. I didn’t expect everything to always be perfect but that day in 1992 that I learned the baby I was carrying inside of me was sick, was more than I could handle. Problems during my pregnancy defied my expectations. I realized that choosing to trust God was what I had to do even though that meant accepting whatever the outcome, it was in His hands. That meant having no control, and still resting in peace, not worry. The fact was I didn’t have any control anyways, but I sure was full of worry. In reality, I never did have control. If I made the choice not to trust God, I recognized that meant living out a life of anxiety and anger, and I knew that I didn’t want that.
If you haven’t read the first part of this story, please read Part 1: The Day We Found Out …
What do I do with the fact that my baby is sick and I can’t do anything about it? What do I do with the fact that I may never even get to meet him? What do I do with the fact that tomorrow may bring an end to my pregnancy days? I was 20 years old. What do I do with the heaviness? Oh my heart.
I chose to pray.
Yes. Pray. I prayed and then I prayed more. What did I pray? I prayed that God would take the burden. I prayed that He would take my worry and fear away and give me peace instead. I prayed that He would heal my sick baby. I prayed that he would allow my baby to make it to birth so I could meet him. I prayed that he would take my sadness away. I prayed so many different things. So. Many. Different. Things.
Did it work though? I have to admit, there were times I wasn’t so sure if He was even listening to me. There were times I didn’t know if He would even answer me. But then there were more times that God showed up for me. I was able to walk in peace and contentment for the most part. I could enjoy the planning because I was walking in trust even though in reality, I didn’t know what that truly meant for the future. I prepared myself for the potential that my son would need a ginormous amount of medical and emotional support. But more than anything, my sick baby brought me closer to God than I ever knew possible.
A little something to ponder …
There have been times in my life, especially during those days, that I didn’t feel like God heard me. In the midst of the muck, I have to just know He is still there. He is an ever present, loving God. He is my comforter, even when I don’t feel like He is.
While it’s important to acknowledge and know our feelings, it may not be in our best interest to stay and camp out in our feelings. Sometimes I need to just stop, and make the choice to be content and know that He is God. By actively casting my cares on Him and knowing that whatever happens is in His hands, I can get through my day. One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, but I can do it. What is an area in your life where you are struggling to hand it over to God? What is something you can do in the next 20 minutes to actively pursue peace and contentment? For the next part of my story read The day I got Angry at God.
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