And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~Romans 8:28
As a Christian, that was a scripture that I memorized fairly early in my walk with the Lord. It was implanted in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. It resonated in me from the time I was about 12, having recently gone through the divorce of my parents, and it has continued to be one of the lenses I attempted to use throughout my life’s heartaches. Dark times. I have to admit. It’s not easy.
Faith in God hasn’t always been easy. It requires an effort. Constant effort, sometimes.
That day back in 1992, we learned, in my 16th week of pregnancy, that our first son had a heart condition, a spinal cord that was broken in two places, and kidneys that didn’t work. That scripture brought me no comfort, in that moment. We were devastated. I asked God what He was doing, what He was allowing, only to get no answer. Through my tears, sadness, and yes, brokenness, I made a decision to trust God. Yes, decision. There was a choice I made in that moment to trust God or not.
I held tight to the belief that “all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” He had always been faithful, at least up to that point in my 20 years of life, and I did truly love Him. I knew it wasn’t suppose to always be rainbows and butterflies. So I decided, in my pain, I would go to Him for strength. He was strong. He could “fix” this for me. Right? I mean, He is God.
So, on that day, after an ultrasound with my regular OB, then an emergency appointment with a new specialist, I was sent home to be confined to bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy, however long it lasted. I say that because, none of the doctors on my case expected that to be long. There was no amniotic fluid, so there was no cushion for my son as he moved around inside of me. As a matter of fact, they had to warn us of the likely scenario that if he made it to birth, he may suffer from some sort of physical deformation as a result of the lack of cushion. Every time he moved, raised that chance. What a conundrum, the very thing he needs to do to show he’s alive, was also the thing that could render him physically deformed.
They warned us that in all likelihood, they expected me to miscarry our baby. There was no good news that day. None. Not an ounce. That day left me feeling all kinds of mixed up emotions, many of which were no good. Regardless of how I felt, I laid my head on my pillow that evening not knowing what the future held for me, my marriage or my new little family. I cried myself to sleep that night, in my husband’s arms, not understanding at all, but knowing we were laying in God’s plan. We had no clue what His plan was for us. That’s where faith comes in.
That was rough, the not knowing but choosing to trust anyways. It was really difficult. Probably one of the most difficult times in my life was that year back in 1992. That was almost 25 years ago and looking back on that time in our lives, I can see now some of the good that God was working out. It took me searching and a lot of really hard work for many, many years to find it. Don’t misunderstand, when I look back on that time in my life, it was bad. Really, really bad.
“I won’t say that I have all the answers to my why questions, but I can say that I am comforted in the acceptance of God’s love for me, and knowing that God’s plan for me is way bigger than I could ever understand.”
Just a little something to ponder …
Please go on this journey with me and have an open heart to look for what He wants you to see in this process. I know it is so hard to see God in the midst of the muck. I’ve been there. You can search and search, and still feel like He left you. That’s just it though. Feelings. While feelings really do feel like reality, they are sometimes based in an inaccurate perception. Sometimes overcoming starts with the decision to trust that He’s still there. If you would like to continue this story, check out Part 2: The Day I Decided to Trust God.