As I look back over the years, I tend to focus in on particular days. Meaningful days. It’s not that the other days didn’t mean anything. Of course, they did. But as I’m thinking through the story of my firstborn son, I have to focus in and string the most important moments together. I have come to realize that the day I got angry at God was a pivotal moment in this piece of my journey. It was the day my trust in Him had broken down and I was truly afraid.

Imagine a beautiful tapestry being woven before my very eyes. It looks pretty ugly during the weaving part, with strings and shreds everywhere. You can’t even make sense of what you’re looking at! Just wait until it’s finished.

This is part 3 in a series about my testimony and how God used a difficult time to grow my faith in Him. You can find the rest of the series here.

Today, I’m going to tell you about the day I got angry. Yes, you read that right. I got angry at God.

I got angry.

By the time we found out just how really sick our unborn son was, I was about 4 months along in my pregnancy. As more people around me found out, they would tell me they were praying for us and the baby. I appreciated the prayers. I really did. Even though I knew God was in control, it meant the world to me to know I had such support in our family and friends. I still trusted God that everything was going to work out for the good, whatever that meant.

As time wore on, I began getting concerned that people’s empathy, had turned to sympathy. People’s well-meaning words became harder for me to take. They were coming from a place of love, but laced with sorrow. I tried to comfort and let them know I was still choosing to trust God, and I believed that He was going to honor our prayers. Although … time went on and nothing changed.

Due to all of the problems, I was going to see a doctor on a weekly basis. That meant frequent ultrasounds, OB appointments, and neonatal specialist appointments. Every appointment I went to, we seemed to get worse news. There was not one single ounce of good news. I was about 24 weeks along when I had one particular heart-wrenching appointment.

That day my OB said a string of words that took my breath away. Her voice cracked when she said them. I saw the emotion in her as those words left her lips. “I’ve never had to say this before to a patient, but all the evidence in front of us tells us that your baby is not compatible with life. You need to understand this is out of my hands. All we can do is wait and see what happens.”

The sting of those words pierced my heart like daggers. “Not compatible with life.” Dear Lord, what are you doing here? I still trusted Him, but at the same time, I felt like this was getting to be too much for me to manage. I cried myself to sleep that night.

A few days passed and it was time to go to my next ultrasound appointment. I asked God “With all of the prayers that are going up for this little guy, how come YOU aren’t moving? How come you haven’t FIXED this yet? How come? What are you waiting on? My heart is already BROKEN. I’m trying so hard to trust you, but I am beginning to get weak.” In that fearful moment, my hurt turned to anger.

I got angry. I literally stood up on my bed and yelled at God. I mean I pointed my finger and screamed at Him, and pretty much begged Him to do something. Yes. I did that. I yelled at Him so much my throat hurt. “You created this baby. You have the power to fix him and you haven’t done anything! I don’t understand what is happening. I did what you told me to do. I trusted you! You can’t do one little thing for me? Just one? It would be so simple for you just to show me you are still there! I’m not asking for much. I just need to see you show up for me right now!” I collapsed on my bed in tears. I cried for several minutes and then got myself ready for the ultrasound appointment.

Now, this is where I’m leaving this story. I know. It’s a crappy place to stop, but I’m stopping.

**Spoiler alert… I will go ahead and tell you, you’re going to want to read the next part of this story. It’s called … The day of the Miracle.

Just a little something to ponder …

My story about Joshua gets better for a moment but then it gets tougher. And then it gets better. And then it gets tougher again. … But then it gets better again. That’s the way our life usually goes. The journey is actually all of the good times and bad times together. A roller coaster ride of emotions sums it up pretty well.

This part of my series makes me think of one of Jesus’ disciples, Thomas and how he couldn’t believe the others had seen Jesus until he touched his scars.

Now Thomas, one of the twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”

Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” ~John 20:24-29

There are times that I think I can be so much like Thomas, even now… after I have seen God come through for me on so many occasions. The point is that faith and trust in God is a choice we get to make. We must come to a place where we choose to trust in God and have faith no matter what we see in front of us. We must choose to contine to place our hope in the Lord because we love Him and He has a plan and purpose for our lives.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope and assurance about what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1

I can’t promise that if you trust in God that tough situations will always result in great outcomes in the here and now. However, Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” 

Give it time. What I can tell you, is there is a bigger picture that we can’t always see in the moment of despair. Keep looking for the silver lining. Keep looking for the ray of hope. Behind every storm cloud, the sun is still shining. We just can’t see it.

Sincerely, Christi

If you are struggling with grief or loss, here are some resources to help you through your struggle.

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