At 20 years old, I understood that I was not promised a life of rainbows and butterflies, and I didn’t expect everything to always be perfect. However, that day back in 1992 that I learned the baby I was carrying inside of me was sick, was more than I could handle. Problems during my pregnancy defied ALL of my expectations. I came to the realization that trusting God was what I had to do, even though that meant accepting whatever the outcome because it was all in His hands.
That meant I had NO control, and yet, resting in peace and contentment and not living my days full of worry. The reality was that I didn’t have any control anyway, and I was still full of worry. The fact was that I never did have any control. If I chose not to trust God, I recognized that meant living out a life of anxiety, anger, and bitterness. Without a doubt, I knew that wasn’t my desire.
If you haven’t read the first part of this story, you can find all of the parts here.
So, what do I do with my life that feels like everything is spiraling out of control??
What do I do with the fact that my baby is sick and I can’t do anything about it? What do I do with the fact that I may never even get to meet him? What do I do with the fact that tomorrow may bring an end to my pregnancy days? What do I do with the heaviness?
Oh, my heart.
I chose to pray.
I prayed and then I prayed some more. What did I pray? I prayed that God would take the burden. I prayed that He would take my worry and fear away and give me peace instead. I prayed that He would heal my sick baby. I prayed that he would allow my baby to make it to birth so I could meet him. I prayed that he would take my sadness away. I prayed prayers of comfort in difficult times. And then I prayed every promise from His Word that I could recall. I prayed so many different things.
So. Many. Different. Things.
Did it work? I have to admit, there were times I wasn’t so sure if God was even listening to me. There were times I didn’t know if He would answer me. I didn’t know how to find comfort because not knowing anything is so incredibly uncomfortable. But as I look back through my life, I recognize there were more times that I know God showed up for me.
When Trusting God is not Easy …
In those time of distrust and discomfort, we have to purpose in ourselves to recall history and good recollections of when God walked us through a tough time. We have to remember that the enemy would like nothing more than to shake our faith and pluck us from God’s hand. We have to remember that Satan wants to kill, steal, and destroy. We have to remember that we are more valuable to God than the birds, and yet he provides for them.
Won’t He provide for us in whatever turmoil we are wrapped up in? What does worry do for us, but steal years from us?
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they?
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?Matthew 6:26-27
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I was able to walk in peace and contentment for the most part. I could enjoy the planning because I was walking in trust even though in reality, I didn’t know what that truly meant for the future. I prepared myself for the potential that my son would need a ginormous amount of medical and emotional support. But more than anything, my sick baby brought me closer to God than I ever knew possible.
A little something to ponder …
There have been times in my life, especially during those days, that I didn’t feel like God heard me. In the midst of the muck, I have to just know He is still there. He is an ever present, loving God. He is my comforter, even when I don’t feel like He is.
While it’s important to acknowledge and know our feelings, it may not be in our best interest to stay and camp out in our feelings. Sometimes I need to just stop, and make the choice to be content and know that He is God. By actively casting my cares on Him and knowing that whatever happens is in His hands, I can get through my day. One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, but I can do it.
What is an area in your life where you are struggling to hand it over to God? What is something you can do in the next 20 minutes to actively pursue peace and contentment? For the next part of my story read Part 3: Finding Hope When You are Angry at God.