It sucks. Really bad.

I couldn’t imagine how my grief could get much worse, or how in the world God would even allow more tragedy to strike my new family. But He did.

This is my story about the loss of my firstborn son and how my faith grew in the process. If you have just happened upon this post, you can find rest of my story here.

During the time that Joshua Caleb was fighting for his life, my mother-in-law was fighting for hers. She had become very sick, and just a few days prior to Joshua’s death, we got some very bad news from her doctor. She had stomach cancer and it was aggressive and growing quickly. She had gotten to where she couldn’t eat, so a few days after Joshua’s funeral, they decided to put her in the hospital to insert a feeding tube.

Following the surgery, I recall that we were all in her room, standing around because there were no seats. It was standing room only. Joyce (my mother-in-law) was awake and talking with us all, and then she suddenly quit talking to us, and gazed off into the corner of the room. She began fussing at her mother saying, “Move out of my way, Momma! I’m trying to see Jesus!” Of course, her momma moved right away, but we were all left standing there stunned. A little while later, she was talking to her father who had passed away 8 years earlier, “Are the flowers beautiful, Daddy?” At the time, we thought the medication was too much for her. Looking back, we believe this was true to her reality, as she was preparing to go meet our Father in Heaven.


Things got worse.

Following the surgery, she was going in and out of consciousness and they decided to move her to ICU the next day. Within a few days, we found ourselves sitting around a big table in a conference room of a hospital, with a big decision looming over our head. My husband and I worked collectively with his sister and grandmother to decide what to do with the few options that were explained to us. Neither of them were good.

Of course, we were all sad, heartbroken and in disbelief, but I think numb might be the right emotion in that moment. The fact was that her body was failing her, and heroic measures would only prolong the inevitable, and we knew she would not have any quality of life. She had already been suffering for a while, so we knew this. Without a doubt, we were all confident of what she would want us to do at this moment. I can’t tell you how excited she was to get to meet Joshua, and when he left this planet, she was ready to go too. We went and said our good-byes to her, held her hand, kissed her cheek, and waited.

We walked out of that hospital early the next morning, just 10 days after Joshua passed away, knowing she was also with the Lord.

Once again, we all had a meeting with the same funeral home to make the arrangements. We were only 20 and 22 years old, and yet, within 10-days’ time, we had planned 2 funerals.

In my little bit of faith, I continued to believe that God would give us the strength to get through this major loss as well. After all, it’s in the Word of God. We just have to ask Him for His help.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”   ~Matthew 5:4

The Holy Spirit is the best comforter during times of loss. We looked to Him and He was there. Just like at Joshua’s funeral, we were able to get through Joyce’s funeral with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

If grief is a battle of yours, then you will definitely want to read some of these books below. 

***Below are affiliate links, which means when you click on a picture, the link will take you to where you can read about the product, and if you make a purchase using any of the links, I will make a little money. However your price remains the same. See my full disclosure here.

In Loving Memory - Christmas Ornament
Lovely World - Coloring Journal
Faithful - Christian Journal

Just a little something to ponder …

We were heartbroken. In my grief, I was also heartbroken for Joe, his sister, and their grandmother. At this point in my story, we had no idea how the loss of my mother-in-law and Joshua would impact our lives. We knew they were huge losses and it wouldn’t be easy. And all of this happened in our first year of marriage too.

Grief sucks. It does. Really bad.

Nobody can tell you how to grieve a loss. Nobody can tell you, it should be over in 2 months, or 2 years. Nobody. The one thing I had to learn was that grief was a process, and it can be a long one too.

Eventually, life resumes some kind of normal, but I had to accept that it’s just a new kind of normal.

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~Romans 8:38

Thank the Lord for His love and comfort. Nothing will separate us from His love. Nothing. He loves us with an unconditional, all-encompassing, everlasting love. A love I can’t even hardly fathom. Nothing I do, or have done, will ever change His love for me. He just wants me to choose to love Him and seek Him first.


Sincerely, Christi

Part 12: The Day 25 Years Had Passed and God’s Goodness Abounds

I've heard it said that our lives are kind of like a tapestry that is being woven. In the process of weaving, it looks like a giant mess of string wads. Yeah. Kind of like our lives sometimes. We never know what in the world kind of goodness could possibly come from...
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Part 11: The Day Peace Came

The day true peace came to me was a day just like any other, as I lived out my new life bound up by grief and loss. Yes, peace came in waves throughout the previous year, as there was heartache and pain, but then miraculous intervention time after time. I just...
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Part 10: The Day My Grief Grew

Grief. It sucks. Really bad. I couldn’t imagine how my grief could get much worse, or how in the world God would even allow more tragedy to strike my new family. But He did. This is my story about the loss of my firstborn son and how my faith grew in the process. If...
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Part 9: The day I buried my son

Grief is hard. The day we buried our son, Joshua Caleb, was a dismal, dreary day, at least from what I remember of it. Maybe that was just the way my heart felt when I look back on it. No. I looked it up. The historical weather data confirms my memory. Cool and...
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Part 8: The Day My Heart Got Ripped Out

*Disclaimer. This post is about my experience in the loss of my firstborn son. If you are looking for a happy post today, please go read about our trip to Disney World last year. 🙂 Even though this post is a more difficult one, I do hope you can find some...
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Part 7: The Day My Heartache began …

For you, who have been following my series, my story, my testimony of who God has been in my life, I have to apologize that it has taken me quite a while to write about this next day, The Day My Heartache Began. Just being real with you. Even though, this day was over...
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Part 6: The Day of Joshua’s Birth

Every Momma loves to tell a good birthing story and this Momma is no exception. This one is a little different because I had a difficult pregnancy. But still ... it's just another oppurtunity to tell you that He is a faithful God. I’m going to apologize in advance...
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Part 5: The Day God Gave Us a Name

In previous posts, I’ve been telling you the story of our firstborn son. This pregnancy was such a troubling time in our life, especially as a newly married, young couple, but it was also a time that produced such faith, trust, and growth in our own personal walks...
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Part 4: The Day of the Miracle

The anxiety overwhelmed me as I got ready for my ultrasound appointment. Just moments ago, I was standing on my bed yelling and pointing my finger at God, and now I was in a heightened state of worry as I got ready to go. I could not find peace anywhere,...
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Part 3: The day I Got Angry at God

As I look back over the years, I tend to focus in on particular days. Meaningful days. It’s not that the other days didn’t mean anything. Of course, they did. But as I’m thinking through the story of my firstborn son, I have to focus in and string the most important...
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