And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

~Romans 8:28

As a Christian, that was a scripture that I memorized fairly early in my walk with the Lord. It was implanted in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. It resonated in me from the time I was about 12, having recently gone through the divorce of my parents, and it has continued to be one of the lenses I attempted to use throughout my life’s heartaches. There were dark times. I must admit. It’s not easy letting go and trusting God and I was not always successful at seeing any good.

Faith in God hasn’t always been easy. It requires an effort.

A constant effort, sometimes.

That day back in 1992, we learned, in my 16th week of pregnancy, that our first son had a heart condition, a spinal cord that was broken in two places, and kidneys that didn’t work. That scripture brought me NO comfort at that moment. We were absolutely devastated. I asked God what He was doing, what He was allowing, and of course, WHY was He allowing such tremendous pain. BUT I got no answer. There were no answers.

Through my tears, sadness, heartbreak, and yes, brokenness, I decided to blindly let go and trust God. Yes, decided.

There was a choice I made at that moment whether I was going to totally turn it over, let go and trust God or not. Do I trust Him at His Word when I am in the middle of potentially losing a tiny being so precious to me? Do I trust that there is some greater purpose that will one day make sense to me? 

It totally sucked and I’ll be the first to admit that I would waver on this decision to let go and trust God as time went on. It seemed a constant battle that wasn’t easily won with a simplistic decision. I assure you of this. 

And it also didn’t minimize the anger and sadness I felt but making this decision helped me to move my efforts towards healing and hope.

faith in God, hope, trust God, loss, difficult pregnancy

Letting Go and Trusting God

I held tight to the belief that “all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” He had always been faithful, at least up to that point in my 20 years of life, and I did truly love Him. I knew it wasn’t supposed to always be rainbows and butterflies. So I decided, in my pain, I would go to Him for strength. He was strong. He could “fix” this for me. Right? After all, that’s what a loving father would do for His child. Fix it. 

I mean, He is God.

So, on that day, after an ultrasound with my regular OB, then an emergency appointment with a new specialist, I was sent home to be confined to bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy, however long it lasted. I say that because none of the doctors on my case expected that this pregnancy would be very long at all. There was no amniotic fluid, so there was no cushion for my son as he moved around inside of me.

As a matter of fact, they had to warn us of the likely scenario that IF he made it to birth, he may suffer from some sort of physical deformation as a result of the lack of cushion. Every time he moved, raised that chance. What a conundrum, the very thing he needs to do to show he’s alive, was also the thing that could render him physically deformed.

They warned us that in all likelihood, they expected me to miscarry our baby.

There was no good news that day.

None. Not an ounce. That day left me feeling all kinds of mixed up emotions, many of which were no good. Regardless of how I felt, I laid my head on my pillow that evening not knowing what the future held for me, my marriage or my new little family. I cried myself to sleep that night, in my husband’s arms, not understanding at all, but knowing we were laying in God’s plan.

We had no clue what His plan was for us.

That’s where our attempt at faith comes in.

That was rough, the not knowing but choosing to trust anyway. It was really difficult. Probably one of the most difficult times in my life was that year back in 1992. That was 25 years ago and looking back on that time in our lives, I can see now some of the good that God was working out as time wore on.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not justifying the pain and sickness. I still wish none of it had happened. I know that God is God, and He could definitely allow other circumstances to occur in our lives to bring us to the same places. He is God. I don’t know why this had to be the plan. It took a ton of searching and a lot of really hard work in looking through a faith-filled lens full of hope for many, many years to see how this time shaped me and my family.

Don’t misunderstand, when I look back on that time in my life, it was bad. Really, really bad.

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“I won’t say that I have all the answers to my why questions, but I can say that I am comforted in the acceptance of God’s love for me, and knowing that God’s plan for me is way bigger than I could ever understand.”

Just a little something to ponder …

Please go on this journey with me and have an open heart to look for what He wants you to see through my story. I know it is so hard to see God in the midst of heartache and struggle. I’ve been there. You can search and search, and still feel like He left you.

That’s just it though. Those are feelings.

While feelings really do FEEL like reality, they are sometimes based on an inaccurate perception. Sometimes overcoming starts with the decision to trust that He’s still there. If you would like to continue this story, check out Part 2: Trusting God When Life Feels Out of Control.

Sincerely, Christi

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