The anxiety overwhelmed me as I got ready for my ultrasound appointment. Just moments ago, I was standing on my bed yelling and pointing my finger at God, and now I was in a heightened state of worry as I got ready to go. I could not find peace anywhere, and believe me when I say, I was searching hard for it that day.
**If you just happened upon this part of my story today, you can find the other parts here.
I’m calling this one Finding Miracles in the Midst of Hopelessness. I know, I know, I just gave it all away but hold on and stay with me. I was about 25 weeks pregnant at this point, and she put that cold gel on my belly. I was trying to pretend I was okay as she began to look at our son. There were very few words that were spoken that day, just a lot of clicks as she made all her measurement points, notes on the screen, and pictures for the chart. I could tell she was zeroing in on a particular part of our baby, but had no clue what she was looking at or what to expect. My anxiety grew. I asked if everything looked the same and she responded that she needed to get my doctor to discuss things with me. Swell. Thanks, God. What now? As if a heart condition, spina bifida, possible deformation, intrauterine growth retardation, little to no measurable amniotic fluid, and non-functioning kidneys weren’t enough, now there’s more. She finished up and left the room. I got myself cleaned up and waited. After what seemed like an eternity, my doctor finally came and got us and took us to her office to talk. My anxiety was through the roof at this point. We sat down and I waited for the new news that I was now going to have to live with. She began telling us there was a pocket of amniotic fluid. It was a small pocket, but it was definitely there. It appeared that one kidney had just emptied itself and there was more fluid that appeared in the other kidney. What??
So, I have to break for a second and let you know that we had previously covered this non-functioning kidney thing with my neonatal specialist. About a month earlier, when they told us his kidneys were not functioning, I asked if there was any possible reason that could cause them to start functioning later. He said that there was a prenatal disease that exists where that would be a possibility, but that was not me. Not in my case. He said there would be other symptoms and indicators that would be present that were not. So there’s that.
Back to the story.
My OB was obviously confused by this new evidence and wanted to get me in to see the specialist that same afternoon since they had a more advance ultrasound machine. She said she wanted to know what was going on with me. I knew what was happening. I asked God to show me He was still working and He did. My worry and anxiety changed to contentment in those moments. I still didn’t know what any of this meant, but I was satisfied with movement. That is what I asked for.
When we arrived at the specialist office, I was told that my regular doctor was out on a family emergency so his partner would be seeing me. They took me to the room and began the ultrasound. There were few words spoken and we just watched the screen. After a long while, I noticed she was lingering on his spine. She asked, “So the heart condition is all we are aware of, right?” Alarmed, I responded “No. He also has two breaks in his spine, which they said was spina bifida, and non-functioning kidneys.” She just continued to look at his spine, up and down. As she was looking, she responded, “There’s no breaks here. Maybe a very slight curvature, but no breaks.” What? No breaks? Those breaks were so apparent when they first showed them to us. Even I (as a 20-year-old who has never seen an ultrasound) recognized his spine was broken.
My specialist’s partner came in to go over the results. I think he was afraid we were going to sue him or something because he started back-pedaling in a strange way. “The notes do indicate these other conditions, but we can’t fully know…” Blah, blah, blah. Okay, so now we just have a little amniotic fluid, a good spine, and heart condition.
That was the news I needed. I still didn’t know what that all meant, but I knew God had not left me. I knew He was still working. I could let the anger go and continue in peace, not worry.
Just a little something to ponder…
This was truly a miracle right in front of my face that day back in 1992. It’s something I will never forget. This experience screamed, God is still with me. With that being said there are times in my life that I wish I could see a miracle in front of my eyes the way I did that day. However, I know that the real miracle happens when I grow in some way beyond what I ever thought possible because I “toughed it out” in this really difficult season and trusted God. At the end of whatever season it is for me, God is always faithful when I decide to look, I will find Him.
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